Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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