you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
