Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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