I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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