Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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