i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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