Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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