I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
