I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
