I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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