Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
