A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
