all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
