wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
