I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
