I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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