**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
