Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
