She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
