i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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