i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
