ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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