So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
