did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I wish there were birth control emojis
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
