What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
