I showed him my bush... on skype.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
