remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
