Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
