Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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