I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
