we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
