Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
