Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
