someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
