but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
