i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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