shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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