Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
