cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
