The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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