i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
