I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Pants are for mortals
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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