So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
