I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
