last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
