my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
