I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Randomize
