Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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