Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
