I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
