no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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