Your dad touched me again.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
