just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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