last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
