she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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