Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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