I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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