shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
