I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
