glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
