take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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